How to be a Hot Mess Mom

I know, people see me and they’re just jealous. I always look like I just have my shit together. So here is my How-To… trust me… motherhood becomes a lot easier once you just accept that you’re whole life is a hott mess.

Your attire:

Laundry is just a whole clusterfuck of who cares. Don’t do it every day. And once you do it, throw the clean clothes in a pile. You might want to invest in a second laundry basket so that you can have a clean clothes basket and a dirty clothes basket. Smell the pits if you are unsure.

The shirt will always have stains. Give up.

Hott mess mom hair is the messy bun you put in your hair the night before when you washed your face and then slept on it. It’s fine. The pretty girls are doing this lately. You look like you spend hours on it.

Yoga pants. Sometimes if you put them on first thing in the morning, you feel motivated to work out. You never will work out but at least you have the appearance that you do.

Flip flops – just to prove that you in fact did not work out.

Maekup? It’s not date night. Move along.

Shave above the legs? It’s not your anniversary or his birthday. Move along.

The list of your BFF’s:

Netflix. It’s a very cheap babysitter. Anything with a screen will do.
Dry Shampoo. Everyday. All day. Duh.
Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine. Wine.
Your other mom friend who understands why you cry yourself to sleep every night.
A back yard. Fence is a plus.

What counts as a bath:

Moms who bathe their children every night aren’t real. They only exist on Pinterest. Or they only have one kid and they think that’s what they’re supposed to do. Do not kill you back and your knees every single night when they will only pour the milk all over themselves as soon as they get their breakfast. It’s a losing battle. Give up.

Here is a list of things that count as a bath. If any of the following happen in a day, you are excused of your responsibility of bathing.

spilling water on themselves
swimming in a salt water pool
running in the sprinkler
wipeys wipeys wipeys. Use all of them. They’re more expensive than a bath but worth every penny
a thorough diaper change
getting caught in the rain
holding them over the sink after a meal and splashing them with water

This is the hardest job on the planet. We are raising tiny humans into functioning adults. That is so much pressure! Give yourself some room for mistakes. Apologize often, and get real with yourself. Be honest! You will make mistakes. Big ones and little ones. Just admit that to yourself and move on. Be happy in the mess because the mess will be all you have on most days. Support each other. Let’s rise up, mothers! Let’s BE HONEST and tell it like it is. Maybe you’re reading this on your tablet in bed whilst covered with children or on your phone whilst pretending to poop in your locked bathroom. We have all been there and if we haven’t then we’re about to be and we need a head’s up.

Do whatever it is that you need to make this work. You got this momma. Don’t you fret none.

bye