sorry… I am NOT sorry.

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You may have liked me better before, but what you didn’t know is that was when I was the most dishonest I have been in my entire life.

You may have thought I was the perfect Christian from the perfect family in the perfect pew, but I wasn’t caring one bit about the perfection I was and only cared about the perfection you thought you saw.

You may have sat there and admired my lack of profanity, my sincerity as I raised my hands during praise and worship, my lack of public display of affection with the perfectly Christian boyfriend I had.

You had no idea.

I was a liar. I loved the attention and I wasn’t going to stop. I loved hearing praises from you and others about how much of a good example I was to the youth. I was hungover nearly every single Sunday morning. You were oblivious. I was sleeping with my boyfriend and you thought my purity ring meant something. My boyfriend would drink and party with me and later rape me… but now he sings on your stage and denies everything. You wanted me to lead others by example… but you never took two seconds to find out if I was dying on the inside. You only cared that I was perfect on the outside. You only cared that the children who wanted to grow up to be like me someday never found out the real truth. You didn’t care about my heart. You never asked, because you were afraid of the answer.

I got caught and apologized, I said everything you all wanted to hear

I will never do it again

I learned so much from my mistakes

We broke up

I’m done drinking

God replaced that in my life

…only to never change and continue whatever it was I was doing and not feeling any remorse for that.

So here I am now. An adult. A wife. A mother.

I use profanity.

I drink.

I am not perfect.

But you know what… I’m not a liar. I never pretend to be the person I am the furthest from. I don’t look you in the eye and tell you I believe one thing when in my mind I know it is laughable.

I love people, yes – even you dear church. I am in love with humans. All the humans. More than you know. My heart aches for the innocent and the guilty. I don’t care about their past, their “criminal record”, their shortcomings… I don’t even care that you hurt so many people so that you can feel more righteous. I care that you are a breathing human being with a beating heart and I care that you, just like me, have power. Power to heal or power to steal.

You don’t call me now that I don’t attend. You unfollow me on Facebook because the word “shit” appeared one too many times. You blocked me because I shared my opinion on bullies in the White House. You even go so far as to call my Christian parents to tell them how disappointed you are in who I have turned out to be.

But here is the ironic part. You loved me so much when I was a liar. You bragged about me when I was a thief. You showed me off on a stage when I was abusing your trust. Now that I am nothing but honest and loving to myself and others, it’s too much for you. You hate me. You cast me down into the pit. You call me names and tell me where my spirit will go when life here on this earth is done. Am I hurt? A little… it stings. Some of you, I thought, were good friends. It turns out you are just as much of a liar as I used to be, if not more. Am I sorry? Hell no. I am not sorry that for the first time in my life I have gotten rid of the poison that is hypocrisy. I am not sorry that I am more confident in who I am as a human than who I was as a “believer”. I am not sorry that I will do nothing but tell you the truth. Not sorry.

Church, you hurt me. You hurt me by only loving me when I was a liar. You hurt me for hating me when I became┬ámy truest self. You hurt me for telling me you love me only to stab me in the back when I turned the other way. You hurt me when you talked about me as soon as I left. You didn’t call to seek truth for yourself. You just unfriended me. On social media and in life.

Christ didn’t do that. Christ still loves me and now more than ever I am receiving of that love because I know that he knows my true self. I’m not hiding from him anymore. Or you.

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