Survival Tips for Motherhood

Photo May 22, 12 09 20 PMThe following tips are for any moms in any walk of motherhood. Newbies, toddlers, tweens and all the in between… I’ve got you covered. However you should know… this is just if you want to survive. Like for real tho – surviving is all you’ll be doing here. These tips are for the days where you just can’t anymore. Survival is all that is gonna come out of this day. There will be days like this… a lot of them. And when they come, just embrace it and be proud that everyone survived the day. They may be gross and your kitchen is a wreck but there is a glass of wine waiting for after bedtime and that’s all yours, girl. Congrats on survival.

  1. Mac and Cheese… you’ll need a lot of that.
  2. Parks – I know it sounds like a lot but once you’re there they’ll most likely leave you alone long enough for you to sit and scroll on your phone in silence and if you’re lucky they’ll tire out and go to bed early!
  3. Either a garage you can go into and scream where no one will hear you, or a good pillow will do. We don’t want to scar the children but sometimes we need to let out a lil scream or two.
  4. Diaper Genie. This is God’s gift to new moms. Get that. Make the man take it out tho cuz ew.
  5. Wine. I mean duh. Hopefully you’re already on your second glass by the time you get to this one.
  6. Wipies – these are universal cleaning wonders. Poop? Wipies. Peanut butter? Wipies. Dropped the paci? Wipies. Last night’s makeup still on? W I P I E S.
  7. Netflix. This is an $8/month babysitter. INVEST INTO THIS.
  8. Laundry baskets – I’m assuming you already have at least one for the dirty clothes but think ahead… where you gonna put the clean clothes, girl? Get another basket for those to sit in until you can get your shit together long enough to fold it and (dare I say…) put it away in the dressers that you spent money on. 
  9. Delivery. Thank god for those little zit-faced hormonal teenagers whose only job is to bring pizza to your door. Not all heroes wear capes, right? Tip them well, momma. They’ve got moms out there wondering where college funds are coming from, too.
  10. Paper plates – we don’t use them enough as a society. As moms, we should only function on disposable items for everything. They’re going to ruin it anyway? Might as well feel okay with just throwing it in the trash. Also – less cleaning. We can recycle and take care of the planet in all sorts of ways. This isn’t one of them, yet. Mother Earth gets it…

 

It’s a mess out there, momma. I hope this helps. If I need to add anything, feel free to add it in the comments. It takes a village! 

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Mommas – we need each other

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Every once in a while there comes a morning where you just don’t know how you’re going to move. Your eyes are already bloodshot from the lack of sleep due to a colic baby or kicking spider ninja kids who have to sleep with you after a bad dream. You literally have to drink a pot of coffee in order to make the pot of coffee brew a pot of coffee. There is spit up on your shirt that you’ve been wearing for two days and there is no future shower in sight. You decide to commit to lazy parenting and give them the pop tart instead of cooking scrambled eggs and oatmeal. You shuffle your way to the couch and stare at the TV which is playing the 24587023rd episode of whatever annoying kid show has been on repeat for hours. Stupid Netflix keeps asking if we’re still watching. YES. DON’T STOP. HE WILL LOSE IT.

On these mornings we forget who we used to be before we had kids. I used to wake up to the sound of the first alarm without snoozing, took my daily shower, brushed and dried my hair, had painted nails, put makeup on, put on pants with a button!!!! How did I get here? What did I think would happen? I’ll tell you. 

I thought I was going to have all of this parenting thing figured out before I became a parent. You cannot prepare yourself for parenting enough. Like, just chill out. You won’t have it figured out for years. Just be okay with flying by the seat of your yoga pants. That’s all you can hope for on so many days. If homeschooling your kids is driving you insane and your kids are starting to hate learning – take them to school! If your kids won’t go to sleep on time at night and become total sleep deprived assholes when they wake up, then give them some melatonin on those crazy nights so they can actually go the fuck to sleep and you can sit on the couch with your glass of wine and watch raunchy TV in the silence. If you are sitting in your pj’s at noon and are about to lose your shit, put the kid in a crib or in front of a TV and go take a shower…. shave your legs! AH! I KNOW!

But you know what is the most helpful? Having an adult you can bitch to. More than just a play date, moms. Because I don’t know about you but play dates can be just as stressful as sitting in front of Cailou for the millionth episode. I’m talking about making a girls’ night happen. Even if it’s after the kids have gone to bed and she brings her sleepy kids to pass out on a pallet on the floor and as soon as everyone is passed out, bust out the tequila and Sex and the City binge! 

Adult time is crucial. And other women who don’t have kids are fun and all but you’ve gotta find your best mom friend. She really gets you. She hasn’t showered in days, either. Don’t only ever talk to your friend who can afford Starbucks every day and will actually go inside the Starbucks instead of the drive-thru because she isn’t toting a million children and her hair is brushed enough to appear in public. You can talk to her every once in a while and sometimes it can be a nice break to not talk about being a mom and hang out with single girlfriends. But I’m telling you – get with another hot mess mom. You need one. We all need one. We need to find a judgment-free zone where we can say to each other “You do that, too?” or “ohmygod I have no idea when the last time I bought a bottle of wine instead of a massive cheap box”.

Your husband will survive watching the kids one night a week. Make it a priority. Put a standing appointment in his calendar. Demand it. Because momma, if you don’t take care of yourself, your whole house will fall apart. Trust me. I know. I’ve seen it so many times. Look your husband in his eyes and tell him that if he needs weekly sex then you need a weekly break. Meet your hot mess mom friend at a Barnes and Noble to sit in a comfy chair for free. This does not have to cost millions. But for what it’s worth, ladies – you cannot put a price on peace and sanity. If spending some extra money on yourself for a night out once a week will save you from becoming a murderer —- then DO IT. JUST DO IT. Women have literally killed themselves, mommas. Suicide. Over silenced depression. Spend $5 at Starbucks and don’t sit in your depression. If you’re a single mom, budget for a sitter or get a relative on board for free sitting. One of my mom friends and I babysit for free for each other all the time! We barter! It works. Get out there and do it. It really is that simple. 

We need each other. Find a hot mess mom. Like now.

Bye.

After the kids go to bed

That moment of silence after the war.

My shirt is wet from giving them a bath. My knees and back are killing me for bending over the tub. The kitchen is a mess after cooking them a dinner instead of giving into the urge of take-out. I’m tired. I need to wind down via an entire bottle/box of wine.

This is the time of their life when they constantly need me. To tie shoes, to braid hair, to spread peanut butter on bread, to reach the plastic cups in the cabinet… it’s exhausting.

People are always telling me that I’ll miss this stage. I’m sure they’re right. I can totally see myself sitting on my couch realizing it’s been silent all day and miss the screams… a little. But at the same time, I can’t wait.

We shouldn’t feel guilty for looking forward to the not-so-distant future. Where our kids can make their own meals, run to the grocery store for some milk, not need any more rides or even help with homework… we get to watch them learn how to do all of these things. It will go fast, we will miss moments because we are consumed by schedules. But we will still be on the front row of it all. That’s pretty amazing.

Some day it will be silent, like after bedtime silence only longer and without wet clothes. Some day we will be able to just let them go and hope that we equipped them enough to handle the outside world. Until that day, enjoy that glass/box of wine and try to enjoy the after bedtime silence.