Life Lessons in Social Etiquette (…for boys)

wordbadgerfacetransparentfinalcopy (1).jpg

(All antics have been honey badger tested)

Life Lessons in Social Etiquette 1-10

1. Laying across the entrance to the school will not stop school.
2. Biting your classmates’ hand when they try to help you at the computer because your hands are busy “typing” is wrong on all fronts.
3. Leaving your superhero underpants on the floor of the little boys’ room is not sharing.
4. Believing your classmates are “Stormtroopers” and you’re the only “good guy” is not fair.
5. “Pew-pewing” the “Stormtroopers” won’t make you any friends.
6. Throwing chairs when asked to do your writing work is not a bargaining tactic.
7. Stuffing your cheeks with wadded up balls of pink construction paper does not make you “Murl the Squirrel.”
8. Your game “Dangerous Windmill” which entails spinning in circles with your arms wide out and hitting classmates is not a team sport.
9. Your mouth is not a rock tumbler.
10. “Saving the World” by moving all the earthworms onto the grass is a pretty cool thing.

Stay tuned for lessons 11-20 next month!

 

This month’s life lessons are brought to you by our fellow Okay mom Jennifer Holston

Mommas – we need each other

21083530_10100788841034987_7959066621833002811_o

Every once in a while there comes a morning where you just don’t know how you’re going to move. Your eyes are already bloodshot from the lack of sleep due to a colic baby or kicking spider ninja kids who have to sleep with you after a bad dream. You literally have to drink a pot of coffee in order to make the pot of coffee brew a pot of coffee. There is spit up on your shirt that you’ve been wearing for two days and there is no future shower in sight. You decide to commit to lazy parenting and give them the pop tart instead of cooking scrambled eggs and oatmeal. You shuffle your way to the couch and stare at the TV which is playing the 24587023rd episode of whatever annoying kid show has been on repeat for hours. Stupid Netflix keeps asking if we’re still watching. YES. DON’T STOP. HE WILL LOSE IT.

On these mornings we forget who we used to be before we had kids. I used to wake up to the sound of the first alarm without snoozing, took my daily shower, brushed and dried my hair, had painted nails, put makeup on, put on pants with a button!!!! How did I get here? What did I think would happen? I’ll tell you. 

I thought I was going to have all of this parenting thing figured out before I became a parent. You cannot prepare yourself for parenting enough. Like, just chill out. You won’t have it figured out for years. Just be okay with flying by the seat of your yoga pants. That’s all you can hope for on so many days. If homeschooling your kids is driving you insane and your kids are starting to hate learning – take them to school! If your kids won’t go to sleep on time at night and become total sleep deprived assholes when they wake up, then give them some melatonin on those crazy nights so they can actually go the fuck to sleep and you can sit on the couch with your glass of wine and watch raunchy TV in the silence. If you are sitting in your pj’s at noon and are about to lose your shit, put the kid in a crib or in front of a TV and go take a shower…. shave your legs! AH! I KNOW!

But you know what is the most helpful? Having an adult you can bitch to. More than just a play date, moms. Because I don’t know about you but play dates can be just as stressful as sitting in front of Cailou for the millionth episode. I’m talking about making a girls’ night happen. Even if it’s after the kids have gone to bed and she brings her sleepy kids to pass out on a pallet on the floor and as soon as everyone is passed out, bust out the tequila and Sex and the City binge! 

Adult time is crucial. And other women who don’t have kids are fun and all but you’ve gotta find your best mom friend. She really gets you. She hasn’t showered in days, either. Don’t only ever talk to your friend who can afford Starbucks every day and will actually go inside the Starbucks instead of the drive-thru because she isn’t toting a million children and her hair is brushed enough to appear in public. You can talk to her every once in a while and sometimes it can be a nice break to not talk about being a mom and hang out with single girlfriends. But I’m telling you – get with another hot mess mom. You need one. We all need one. We need to find a judgment-free zone where we can say to each other “You do that, too?” or “ohmygod I have no idea when the last time I bought a bottle of wine instead of a massive cheap box”.

Your husband will survive watching the kids one night a week. Make it a priority. Put a standing appointment in his calendar. Demand it. Because momma, if you don’t take care of yourself, your whole house will fall apart. Trust me. I know. I’ve seen it so many times. Look your husband in his eyes and tell him that if he needs weekly sex then you need a weekly break. Meet your hot mess mom friend at a Barnes and Noble to sit in a comfy chair for free. This does not have to cost millions. But for what it’s worth, ladies – you cannot put a price on peace and sanity. If spending some extra money on yourself for a night out once a week will save you from becoming a murderer —- then DO IT. JUST DO IT. Women have literally killed themselves, mommas. Suicide. Over silenced depression. Spend $5 at Starbucks and don’t sit in your depression. If you’re a single mom, budget for a sitter or get a relative on board for free sitting. One of my mom friends and I babysit for free for each other all the time! We barter! It works. Get out there and do it. It really is that simple. 

We need each other. Find a hot mess mom. Like now.

Bye.

10 ways I was just an okay mom today.

BFEDCBF7-01E9-4221-8EB6-2F77E02511A0-1129-000001B49EF6497D

  1. I taught my five year old nothing today. I let the letter app on my iPad do that.
  2. I gave my two year old my phone to watch Netflix so I can type this.
  3. My kids asked me for something right before nap time and I told them I would get it with the full intention on not getting it, banking on the fact that they will forget they ever asked.
  4. One of them dropped some food on the floor… ate it… and all I did was say a lil prayer to the immune system gods.
  5. One of them keeps saying the word fish, but it sounds like they are saying “bitch” so I keep pointing as fishes and asking them what they are. Good times.
  6. My five year old knows full well what Snapchat is and constantly asks if she can get on it and send her dad some snaps.
  7. Snack time was cheetos. Straight from the bag. Not even organic.
  8. I microwaved their meal so I allowed the radiation to penetrate their food.
  9. I tried to say “shit” under my breath but it didn’t work out too well and I know they all heard it.
  10. I did not take them to to park today because it is too damn hot and I am too damn lazy.

 

Good parenting advice, right?

Feel free to pin.

I spent $60 on my toddler’s birthday party and she actually SURVIVED.

Crazy, right?

She didn’t die.

She didn’t resent me.

She didn’t turn around while we were all watching her blow out her candles and tell me that she hates me and need to find her a child psychologist stat.

I mean… this was her second birthday so I guess those things aren’t a total surprise. But you wanna know what is a surprise? That suddenly, our generation believes that it’s exactly what is going to happen!!

I blame Pinterest. Completely… totally… irrevocably all Pinterest’s FAULT.


Why do we kill ourselves for one day a year?

I’m gonna go with we do it because we want to look like we have our shit together.

Being a creative mom is like a right of passage…

You simply CANNOT be a good mom unless you know the value of mod podge and have you own check out lane with your name on it at Party City.

WHY THO?

We end up getting so caught up in this bullshit that we can’t even enjoy our child’s birthday. You know what a two year old wants for her birthday??? NOT A DAMN THING. SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT’S A THING.

Having a huge birthday celebration for babies is a complete selfish, stressful, waste of time. They won’t remember it. They don’t need it. Aren’t there still starving kids in the world somewhere? Why are we spending THOUSANDS of dollars on this? Yes. Acknowledge the birthday. Enjoy it. Get a cake, get the pictures that last a life time, have the cousins come and bust a piñata. Sounds like a great day. But I refuse to spend more than $100 on an event they won’t remember.

I promise you, they will survive.

 

 

After the kids go to bed

That moment of silence after the war.

My shirt is wet from giving them a bath. My knees and back are killing me for bending over the tub. The kitchen is a mess after cooking them a dinner instead of giving into the urge of take-out. I’m tired. I need to wind down via an entire bottle/box of wine.

This is the time of their life when they constantly need me. To tie shoes, to braid hair, to spread peanut butter on bread, to reach the plastic cups in the cabinet… it’s exhausting.

People are always telling me that I’ll miss this stage. I’m sure they’re right. I can totally see myself sitting on my couch realizing it’s been silent all day and miss the screams… a little. But at the same time, I can’t wait.

We shouldn’t feel guilty for looking forward to the not-so-distant future. Where our kids can make their own meals, run to the grocery store for some milk, not need any more rides or even help with homework… we get to watch them learn how to do all of these things. It will go fast, we will miss moments because we are consumed by schedules. But we will still be on the front row of it all. That’s pretty amazing.

Some day it will be silent, like after bedtime silence only longer and without wet clothes. Some day we will be able to just let them go and hope that we equipped them enough to handle the outside world. Until that day, enjoy that glass/box of wine and try to enjoy the after bedtime silence.

I’m not good enough

IMG_8163

Stay at home momming is the hardest thing I have ever done. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for it.

My whole life I assumed  that I would be a stay at home mom and raise all the perfect babies and have the perfectly clean house. Why in hell did I think that? Who told me that? That certainly wasn’t how I grew up.

They make it look so easy. Commercials, billboards, mommy bloggers with all the know hows, beautiful friends with their beautiful babies posed beautifully on their couch not covered in cheerios with their 5 month sticker on their onsie…

I don’t do that. I have two kids, 5 and almost 2. I’m lucky if I survive a whole week.

There is no secret formula. There is no one answer.

If only I get up every morning at 6:00

If only I make the bed first thing

If only I make this chore chart 

If only I work out everyday

It’s just not that simple or easy. It’s lonely, it’shard, it’s exhausting.

Making sure the five-year-old can spell her name and knows her birthday, following the two-year-old around the house while she messes up literally EVERYTHING you just cleaned… it never ends.

I’m not good enough. I never will be. I can’t do it all. Not today. I can’t make everyone happy and still have time for myself.

So what? What is the answer?

Knowing that it won’t ever be good enough… by your own standards.

My kids have no idea. They just know that they’re fed and happy. They have no idea that I am up at 6:00 just so I can write uninterrupted. They have no idea that I feel like I have failed them. They’re just content. They know they are loved. They are so loved. So loved that everyday I get up and do it over and over again. So loved that I hide my insecurities from them and read them that extra bed time story even though I am so tired I can’t see straight. So loved that I will spend my last penny on whatever they need and make sure they don’t see my struggle. They have a great life. Not just one, but two parents who love them unconditionally… which unfortunately isn’t the  case for so many children.

Sometimes I even let her pass out on my bed in her ballet outfit and let her ruin the sheets while she’s working on her “science book”. That’s what she knows. That’s what she will remember.IMG_8162

You are good enough, momma. Stop comparing yourself to the friend with the perfect instagram filter… she doesn’t have her shit together, either. I promise you. There is no one answer, believe me if I knew it I would do it and tell you over and over again. Just be okay with being okay. Forgive yourself everyday and just continue to love the mess out of those crazy life-draining babies. They’re worth it. And so are you.

 

shit that happens when you’re a stay at home mom

I took my first sip of coffee at 11:53 am……. let that sink in.img_7233

My kids woke up like a bunch of starving monkeys in a cage from that ape movie where they take over the world and then we as humans become the slaves… yea that one.

I sleepily went downstairs to cook breakfast, realized there were no eggs. How can you make a breakfast without eggs? I threw toast at the children, put them in the car, drove to the store, forgot to buy eggs, came home, cried over the forgotten eggs, opened the pantry and found an unopened canister of oatmeal………… yea.

Kids are fed and are now watching that show that I officially have memorized and haunts me in my sleep, I am attempting to drink that cold cup of coffee I poured an hour ago. I sit down, with my first meal of the day, hide in the corner of the living room and play my show on my laptop… they can’t hear the sexual innuendos over the voice of that obnoxious bear singing that godforsaken song that I know every damn word to.

It then takes me 90 minutes to watch my 20 minute show.

An hour late, one of them is napping, the other one is crying because I won’t let her get on my snapchat.

The pet bunny is running wild and pooping all over the living room and taunting me with every turd that rolls around. It’s okay, this will give me motivation to deep clean the living room once we let all his energy out.

Everyday is different, there are no scheduled breaks, there are no sick days, it’s a 24/7 job and no holidays off. Even when you finally have them sleeping over at a family member’s house, you get a phone call that one of them is projectile vomiting all over their living room. Thanks sister, I’ll be getting you some starbucks soon… at least!

Every mom is different, every kid is different… but I promise you that all stay at home moms survive between cups of coffee in the morning to the glasses of wine at night.

img_7757

Don’t worry, I’m only half way through my day. I’m sure as soon as nap time is over there will be a diaper explosion and someone crying over an earache or a stubbed toe…

Tell me again how you have no idea what I do throughout my day as “just a mom”.